What has not changed

A few days ago, I wrote about a couple of small milestones in the practice. I don’t think they contained revelations about my yoga practice, but were simple, small changes that remind me that it has changed over time, even though I may not notice it at the time. However, an anonymous visitor posted a comment about that entry:

What about your breathe? Your tolerance for yourself? Your medi[t]ation? Equanimity? Now that would be most interesting to know!

I would like to know that too, but it’s a tall order to uncover the most intimate aspects of my practice on the web. I’ve had some misgivings about “letting it all hang out” lately. I’ve already confessed that I suffer from depression and that I turned to yoga to heal my suffering. That’s going to be hanging around in the archive.org for decades to come. I don’t know if I want future employers to know what mood disorders I suffer from. But I crossed that bridge, and I have to live with the consequences.

It’s a lot easier to write about bending over and touching my toes than it is to reveal the intimacies a yoga practice. For one thing, it requires me to be aware to all these facets of my body and mind. I know that there are whole regions of my body that I really don’t feel, that seem to be numb. There are parts of my mind that baffle me. It takes time to write about them because language — at least, my command of language — may not always capture the nuances of spiritual practice. Sometimes, I just want to make a daily entry and get on with my life.

Of course, I never meant to confine this blog to my just physical practice on the mat. My tag line is: “breath, energy, life, spirit = self-discovery through yoga.” That’s why I write about my readings, my more intensive work with meditation, my pranayama, the intersection between yoga and the broader world as seen on the Web, and other twists in my life. But these internal process have their own pace of change, and I may have to wait until I can catch up with them or they reveal themselves to me. Certainly, the comments of the visitor remind me that I should aspire for something more insightful about this path.